(Editors note: To fully appreciate the humour and effort put into the following text, translate via Cockney rhyming slang).
My alarm goes off around 5.30 and after a quick David Gower it’s off down the Apples and Pears, out through the Bobby Moore and into the kitchen. There I start the days Poppy Red. While it proves I grab an Everton Toffee to wake myself up, followed by a slice or two of Holy Ghost for breakfast. I then shape my loaves of Poppy Red and bake them off. Sometimes I will cook some Borra and Begs with Bangers for my work Chinas, but usually they fix their own breakfast. I then knock up some Kick Starts, Pies or Banger Rolls for Day’s Dawnin’ tea before starting Kidney Punch. This is often fresh Loop-de-Loop and the Poppy Red I baked that Day’s Dawning. I also fill up the salad bar with Soft Boiled Borra and Begs, salads, cold meats, John Cleese and dips. Kidney punch starts when the Dickory Red Sock says Noon.
There is often leftover Sexton Blake from the previous nights Jim Skinner an all. Once everything is Billie Jeaned it is Nickel and Dime for a break. Often this means an hour in the Fatboy Slim followed by a nice hot David Gower, or I might Bowl of Chalk to the beach for a Butchers hook at the Richard the Bleedin’ Thirds. Back at Kathy Burke, it’s time to get the evenings Tommy Tucker ready. Often there is a Ruby Murray and a Lillian Gish dish. We also have two Kevin Keegans and a Vegetarian on station, and they have a separate dish. It all gets finished up with some Jockeys Whips, vegetables and then a fresh Sexton Blake and Custard. I finish work when we all sit down to eat. I can then have a George Best and a Pigs Ear while the others wash up. No getting Brahms and Liszt though. My apologies for Rabbit and Porking to you like a plonker. My Guvnor made me do it.
Nick Baker — Chef/Chief Comedian/Cockney Slang Subject Matter Expert, 70th ANARE Macquarie Island